I realise this might just be past issues dragged up due to recent events but have you ever had a moment of clarity when you realise that perhaps, just perhaps you missed the one good thing going for you because no-one would explain things to you. That the only person who would was as hesitant to speak to you as you were to them? It makes me feel like an idiot, I was fine speaking to them but afterwards realisation set in. My mind rolled back through memories I had of reflection on relationships, on what I thought mattered and things along those lines. Do you know what it bought to my attention? I didn't move on, I didn't want to. I've reflected in the past over which lost relationship hit me the most and I have to admit it was Kaelin. I had no idea what was going on, what I'd done wrong. I assumed I'd been in the wrong for trying to fix my life, that I'd been in the wrong for so many things that in retrospect were the right things to do.
Things that perhaps if I'd been in the same country as the one my heart belonged to I might have been able to fix, things that the only people who at the time gave a damn about me forsake me for. Left me without an oar or a rock, let me slip and slide my way into darkness and chaos. Losing myself to a maelstrom of problems I'd just been escaping, left me to rot without them. Yet no-one knowing any different because no-one asked, those who were my connections wanted nothing to do with me. I had no idea what had happened, so I cried. Oh how did I cry, I wept into the carpet for a good three hours and pounded the floor until my hands were numb and bruised. Then to make it worse I didn't go to college at all for a matter of if memory serves two weeks, I didn't feel up to it. I couldn't handle it, I'd been sobbing into sleep like a little child who'd lost the most important thing in the world to them. Someone they had no means of contacting without provoking trouble, trouble that he knew could cost him the one thing he had left to keep him sane. His contact with cadets, children aged 10-18. Friendly voices that bothered with him, jokes that could be shared and enjoyed.
If I'd lost that I'd have lost myself, for months cadets was the only thing keeping me sane. In that time I'd tried to apologise for my actions but my words were ignored, it seems advised against reading. At the time I didn't know that and it drove me away from everything and I knew online, everything I was. I retreated into a shell, rarely leaving my room other then to eat and go to cadets. My time spent sleeping or playing silly browser games. I lost myself finding ways not to be bored, finding ways not to think. And the only people who cared about me were powerless to help me, oceans in the way and my resolve against medical help preventing anyone who cared from talking me into getting help. I became something I hated, I couldn't believe who I was and yet it's who I was. So I rebelled against someone, wrongly against my father and while I'm resolving that I needed the outlet. I was in dire trouble and I made silly mistake after silly mistake, I let myself stagnate. I let go of my skills, I stopped everything that I enjoyed except cadets. I avoided thinking for as long as possible yet when I did I found myself reflecting a lot or thinking with extents of my mind I rarely ever used in general day. I was a mess, then I found myself forming a type. I know this is probably just past feelings stirring up a storm but oh well. The type I formed was her! Her accent, her complexion and her everything. Sounds like a stalker I know, but I did everything but stalk. I turned to google and shows instead.
I was a mess, I still am a mess. Only now this mess has a decent form of sanity, a sanity that doubts these old feelings are old. I hate the day I decided to update my status, something I rarely ever do. I curse having more female friends then male friends but I was raised by my mother with my sister, so what do you expect? My father figure was convinced out of my reach without me realising, my own will placing him there. It's a mess I know, the entirety that makes me who I am.
I'm someone who doesn't vent, who doesn't keep a diary or a journal well for fear of something being read that will have his parents breathing down his neck. But damn it, I am me and I need to vent. So be it I have issues, so be it I choose a public forum in which to do it. The honest answer as to why I pick such a place? Because from here are people who matter more then almost anywhere else I've ever known and if they pick to listen to me, to joke and offer support then so be it. That's what I needed, that's what I lacked. It's something I never had but then in person when have I ever been that good at making friends, I need an icebreaker and even then I am woefully inept. So inept that I bend over backwards for people who merely want another in their group not a friend. The ones who never ask how you are and wait for the answer, the me, me, me people. That's something I'm not, a group filler and a yes, yes, yes to fit person. When people learn that they make my life hell, it's part of the reason things got so hard for me. I became excluded and pushed until I fell towards depression, a repeating cycle.
As you can see I don't think in a linear fashion but why should I? I just wish I'd had the courage to say all this before, I wish I'd had people around who gave a real damn like I do now. I have support, I have friends and yet I've still felt as bereft as ever and I have my theories as to why but for now they remain just my theories. Now if you read this random rant you have my thanks and also my apologies for the random nature, but I needed this and I feel a little better for it. Expect more of this and perhaps, just perhaps for the first time people will see behind the masks just like one person ever did. I just wish I'd not lost the person I'd let behind the masks for the first time.
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